Al humdullilah, my husband is back and safe. I am so happy he is back because I missed him tremendously. I was going through it a little bit, though. I'm thankful that he's back but I've been feeling slightly deprived. I sometimes feel like my husband doesn't give me enough attention. He does pay some attention to me, but because he spends a significant amount of his time away from us I feel like he should make an extra effort to make me as well as the boys feel loved and missed and wanted. I do understand that he has other obligations some of which has to do with the well being of the boys and I and others that don't and so this may cause him to be tired and exausted at times. Which I understand happens; at the same time this is what comes with providing and maintaining a family or in his case families. Which he does well, masha-Allah. Nevertheless I expect a little something extra at the least when it comes to us. Maybe I'm asking for too much but this is the way I feel. Our time together is limited; when he's not here no one else is here to take his place. We just have to be patient until it is our turn again.
I tried explaining to him how I feel without turning it into an argument because that is what I wanted to avoid. So I calmly began telling him how I felt. Alhumdullilah it didn't turn into an argument, but I'm not sure if he quite got what I was trying to express through all the tears. I tried so hard not to cry but I couldn't help it. Alot of times I'll just keep my feelings to myself to avoid fitnah. And since our time is already limited I didn't want to annnoy him, frustrate him, make him feel bad or make the mood awkward during our time together. All I wanted was to make him aware of how I felt. He didn't say much, just stared and listened; which is good, I guess???
He said he didn't feel well and I was mentally exausted, so we called it a night and to went to bed. While the mood did become slightly awkward neither of us were upset or angry, wal alhumdullilah. So I guess you could say it ended on a good note. Insha-Allah he understood some of if; not all of what I was trying to convey. And honestly I'm not sure if I expect him to understand me completely. After all we play two very different roles. He's the husband and I am the wife.
Random thought of mines : Alhumdullilah, Allah is truly merciful in all that he decrees, I know this for a fact and insha-Allah I will continue to to strive and recognize so as long as I am able. If I can continue to remember this, insha-Allah life in this dunyah won't be as hard to accept.
9 comments:
Salaam Alaikum,
I think this happens a lot in polygyny -- that a woman doesn't want to "contaminate" her limited time with her husband so she refrains from addressing many issues. I know that my STBEH's FW expressed o my SIL that this was her strategy in her quest to get her husband back and drive us apart. I think I am going to blog about this issue because it bears addressing.
Anyway, glad you reached a comfortable point in dealing with it.
Take care,
PM
As-salaamu Alaykum PM. Nice to hear from you sweety. I enjoy reading what it is you have to say, all the time. I was wondering what stategy you were referring to as far as you co-wife was concerned. Allah knows best what her intentions were but I assure you that my intentions are not to cause harm or discord at all with anyone. I pray to Allah that my intentions will always be sincerely for his sake and nothing else, AAMEEN. I strive to truly believe and love for my sister what I love for myself. May Allah give us all tawfeeq in doing so, AAMEEN.
Salaam,
Polygyny for me is a super complicated matters, I still think it's impossible for a normal being to be 100% "adil"(fair) esp when its about felling.
As for attention, my hubby always say that what he give me may not be enough for me but he will try to give his best and he said our living priority is our son now, to give him the best attentions , educations,etc, bcs he is also our main way to jennah.If we still have to strugle to achive that,we may have to put other things aside, and sometimes you just can't have everything you want, but it sure releases some presure to talk about it:)
Yeah, your right. Definately can't have everything we want. Not in this dunyah, anyway. In jannah, insha-Allah. May Allah protect us from the fire and bless us with jannah, AAMEEN.
Masha Alla sister, you semm to have a very firm grip on reality. By this I mean you know what is and is not physically available yo you. I have gone through similar stuff in my family. Right now I am working on Effective Communication. I too know what is available to me and I am learning what I trully need as opposed to what I WANT. Like I need a BREAK from homeschooling 3 boys andsince hub can't provide it, I have had to find other ways to get it. Alhumdiallah I have. And I have learned to limit my whining as it is not effective communication. I've also learned to OFFER solutions as opposed to trying to control. ANyhoo. I feel ya Uhkti.
Asalamu Walaikum
Thanks for stopping by, sweety. And your right whining is definately not an effective way too communicate. I have to work on that. I am also searching for solutions to help me deal so if you don't mind giving up a few of yours I would definately appreciate it :) Thanks for the advice/support.
Oh no dear! I didn't mean that you had any agenda or strategy to cause trouble for your husband's other wife. What I meant is that when your time is limited because there is another wife he goes to, a woman can find herself biting her tongue so as not to have the husband associate their shared time with unpleasantness. I used the example that my STBEH's FW told my SIL that she wasn't going to say one negative thing to him in the hopes that she could win him back and drive me away.
My real point was to share that I could understand the need to just set some things aside and try to enjoy your time together. The problems can always be dealt with at a later point, insha'Allah.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
Asalamu Walaikum,
I been thinking about what solutions I have found???
I don't say yes to everything anymore. Sometimes my husband (and others) do put an undue burden on me. So, sometimes I do have to say no.
I try not to fuss over the little stuff. If it's the same issue over and over, I have to find a new approach or drop it. Usually I find a new approach because if I am dwelling, it must be bothering me.
I try to educate myself as much as possible.
I have figured out where, when and how he can be replaced..ie babysitter, mechanic,convienence foods- because I am obviously too tired doing all the work around here to cook gourmet too!
I try to offer solutions, like instead of JUST complaining...I try How about if we do this? Or this? Or this?
And I do try to enjoin my souse for the good, as I want him to do the same for me. SO I do let him know when he is failing in an area of great importance - like miscommunicating with me or his kids. Or neglecting his duties to educate the kids in the deen...again I can only do so much and the burden does not lie on me alone...I find giving him information to read from reputable scholars/sources is in some places more appropriate then my lil op.
Inshallah you will find some solutions for yourself...Alhumdiallah for the WWW!
Asalamu Walaikum
Thanks so much, sweety.
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