None of you have truly believed........

So, lately i've been struggling within to act normal as possible. I have been trying not to let my ensecurities get the best of me but at times I can't help it and it shows in my attitude. I think that my husband is one of the most deserving husbands out there of another wife. Subhan'Allah, he treats me like a queen in everyway possible. Is he perfect, no. But he makes every effort to be. So why am I makin it hard on him? I do try to hide my feelings so as to not make him feel bad about what he is doing, after all it is from the sunnah to have more than one wife. At times I get to thinking and listeing to the whispers of the shaytaan and i wonder if there is somethng that I am doing wrong or could be doing better? and is this why he wants another wife. He has told me before more that once that his wanting another wife has nothin to do with me except for the fact that I am only one and as most men, he prefers multiple women. And i do understand kinda because most men cheat at one time or another and thats because they were created that way, women are the biggest desire, even before wealth.

Nevertheless I still fall into these momentarily depressions and it causes me to be really moody and attitudy and i hate when I get that way cause then I feel bad afterwards, but I can't seem to help myself. So I told my husband this morning that i don't feel as though I am deserving of him because I make things harder on him by having these sudden attitudes and its only when I think of him beginning a family with someone else. I mean it could be worse, i don't do much but become realy sarcastic (which he hates) and really distant and this upsets him because he knows why i'm actin this way and he hates when I worry about his getting married. And he trys to reassure me that what we have is something that only him and I can acheive together and that no other woman can be me. So you see why I feel bad, right? other times he gets fed up and just becomes extremely irritated with me. He tells me that all he wants to do is enjoy the time we have to spend together and not be caught up worring about his other affairs, which is what I strive to do but as I said before I can't help myself some times. but so yeah I told him that I don't think I deserve to be with him because he does try hard to make this transition easy on me by sharing details and stuff like that and including me in the whole process and I in turn can't seem to shake the feeling of paranoia, intimidation, anxiety, jealousy, etc. He tells me "no, we deserve each other" and i wanted to cry. Why can't i just shake these feelings and keep it movin????? My husband is being super patient with me and all i want to do is return the favor. Ya Allah help, me be a better wife, AAMEEN!

The Prophet Muhammed (sallallahu alayhi wasalaam) said, none of you have truly beleived until you love for your brother/sister what you love for yourself. Sometimes i wonder if I truly believe, I'm sure there are plenty of sisters out there who could use a good husband and i think my husband has found one, so why not get it together so she may experience the joys of a good husband? and so that he may be hassle free. I do know that I have to figure something out quickly, i would hate for Allah to take away one of the best favores of this dunya, a religous, responsible, rightoues, loving, kind, caring, etc.........husband & father & friend.

My husband's getting married........

Insha'Allah my husband will be getting married soon, alhumdullilah. I have mixed feelings about everything. Because I have been in polygyny before and haven't had the best experiences with it, I am a bit skeptical. Other than that I think this is a good thing for many reasons, (1) it is from the sunnah to have more than one wife (2) believe it or not when my husband has had other wives in the past and it increased his thankfulness and gratefulness for me, the wife he already had, having another wife helped him realize the things about me that he may have gotten used to and taken for granted, (3) because this sister is from a different country than me there is alot that we can learn from each other, her native language is arabic and mines is english, although I do kno some arabic I am far from being fluent in it, so i look forward to learning from her, not just arabic but many other things too, i also look forward to showing a few things as well, there are so many other benefits of having a co-wife that I could go on an on, but having said all this as a woman and being emotional and all that stuff I am still struggling with the thought of my husband marrying again. He's satdown with her over the comp. several time and has chatted with her father and he seems to be really pleased with her, masha'Allah. He plans to fly and to where she is in March, they will probably get married then. At this time I am feeling really intimidated and so many other emotions are going on inside that I can't even type straight, (smile). I just want things to be good for my family and I. I don't want to have these feelings of intimidation and anxiety and everything else. I try to act as normal as possible about everything because I kno it will make things easier on my husband and that way things won't be all awkward between him and I. Truth be told its hard to act like ur cool when u have a million things runnin through your mind. At times I wonder if she will take up all my husbands love, will he love her more than me, will he enjoy spending time with her more than I, will her dinners taste better than mine, will he miss me and think of me when he's gone, will he be thinkin of her while he's spending time with me, etc......the paranoia goes on and on. All I can do is make dua to Allah that he makes this transition easy for me and him and her too. I honestly believe that her is deservant of this and has been patient in finding another wife. He treats me like a queen, subhan'Allah! And so I just want to make the best of whatever Allah decrees for me and I want my husband and I and her too be happy, too. I will be ok, i kno I wil if I just keep the remembrance of Allah.

Makeup is my new thing!

I've won my first makeup contest, yay! I've only entered three other contest before which is good for me since i don't post videos. ScandelousBeauty awarded me and i'm so thankful. I just recently brought my first MAC lipsticks while I was in Saudi Arabia. That was just so amazing to me. I never thought that I'd make a MAC purchase in Saudi. I knew they sold makeup but I didn't know they had MAC. Anywho, I got the nude holiday set for the lips. It came with two lipsticks (real teasure & softspot) and a lipglass (my dear), all of which I really like. Now this isn't my first MAC purchase. I did make a purchase about three years ago when I was just into lipglosses, mascara and khol. I got a lipglass, the name has since rubbed off so I have no idea what its calledd but I do like it. Now I'm into eyshadows, foundation, tinted moisture, etc. and skincare too. I'm just really enjoying my newfound respect for beauty. Until next time, smooches!

I'm back.....for now anyway......

As-salaamu Alaykum. So much to say, so little time, masha-Allah. I've been busy as usual and for a while the server was giving me problems when trying to sign in and as the inconsistent blogger that I am that just made matters worst ;) But alhumdullilah, the boys are all doing well, masha-Allah.

I've been doing okay, too. I haven't really been socializing much, though. It seems as the days go on I become more and more secluded from the outside world. My trust is diminishing and at times I feel bad because I would rather stay home with my family than go to the pamper parties, or the masjid for class, or a wahlimah's, etc. Not because I don't like those type of things, I'm just really hesitant about being around other sisters even if they're Muslim. I used to love to meet new Muslim sisters and I still do just not as much. I ask Allah to soften my heart and to forgive me for not being trusting of my fellow Muslim sisters and to increase the sisterhood, AAMEEN. None of us are perfect and we all have issues and it's up to us to help each other achieve success in this life as well as the next. May Allah make us successful, AAMEEN.

On a higher note I've been enjoying my busy days in the house with my boys, there's not an uneventful moment, ever. Or at least that's what it seems like. Even at night when all is resting, just thinking about them makes me tired.

Smooches,
MuslimMommie

P.S. I miss you all, I really do. Ok, I'll admit, I can be a liitle lazy, but I'm working on it. Once again forgive me for leaving without notice. I'll try my best to stay afloat.

Abu Hurayrah (radiallahu 'anhu)narrated the Prophet (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) said ...........and piety is right here – and he pointed to his chest three times. It is enough evil for a person to hold his brother Muslim in contempt. The whole of a Muslim for another Muslim is sacred; his blood, his property and his honour.” (Muslim #2564)

For right now anyway, alhumdullilah

Your Depression Level: 16%

You aren't depressed, and you probably already knew that. Like everyone else, you have ups and downs. But unlike most people, you've mastered keeping your mood stable.

Are You Depressed?

May Allah continue to strengthen me in taqwaa, iman, and subr with ease, AAMEEN.

Quick Stop

As- salaamu Alaykum, sweeties. Alhumdullilah the boys and I are well. I've been checking in and commenting when the time permits. I love you all, my sisters (and brothers) in Islam whoever you are. Keep your heads' up and don't let the dunyah get the best of you, enjoy it as much as possible and strive for the best in this life as well as the hereafter. Please keep me in your duas and I of course will keep you all in mines insha-Allah. Be back soon insha-Allah, ma salaama.

He's Back

Al humdullilah, my husband is back and safe. I am so happy he is back because I missed him tremendously. I was going through it a little bit, though. I'm thankful that he's back but I've been feeling slightly deprived. I sometimes feel like my husband doesn't give me enough attention. He does pay some attention to me, but because he spends a significant amount of his time away from us I feel like he should make an extra effort to make me as well as the boys feel loved and missed and wanted. I do understand that he has other obligations some of which has to do with the well being of the boys and I and others that don't and so this may cause him to be tired and exausted at times. Which I understand happens; at the same time this is what comes with providing and maintaining a family or in his case families. Which he does well, masha-Allah. Nevertheless I expect a little something extra at the least when it comes to us. Maybe I'm asking for too much but this is the way I feel. Our time together is limited; when he's not here no one else is here to take his place. We just have to be patient until it is our turn again.

I tried explaining to him how I feel without turning it into an argument because that is what I wanted to avoid. So I calmly began telling him how I felt. Alhumdullilah it didn't turn into an argument, but I'm not sure if he quite got what I was trying to express through all the tears. I tried so hard not to cry but I couldn't help it. Alot of times I'll just keep my feelings to myself to avoid fitnah. And since our time is already limited I didn't want to annnoy him, frustrate him, make him feel bad or make the mood awkward during our time together. All I wanted was to make him aware of how I felt. He didn't say much, just stared and listened; which is good, I guess???

He said he didn't feel well and I was mentally exausted, so we called it a night and to went to bed. While the mood did become slightly awkward neither of us were upset or angry, wal alhumdullilah. So I guess you could say it ended on a good note. Insha-Allah he understood some of if; not all of what I was trying to convey. And honestly I'm not sure if I expect him to understand me completely. After all we play two very different roles. He's the husband and I am the wife.

Random thought of mines : Alhumdullilah, Allah is truly merciful in all that he decrees, I know this for a fact and insha-Allah I will continue to to strive and recognize so as long as I am able. If I can continue to remember this, insha-Allah life in this dunyah won't be as hard to accept.