So, lately i've been struggling within to act normal as possible. I have been trying not to let my ensecurities get the best of me but at times I can't help it and it shows in my attitude. I think that my husband is one of the most deserving husbands out there of another wife. Subhan'Allah, he treats me like a queen in everyway possible. Is he perfect, no. But he makes every effort to be. So why am I makin it hard on him? I do try to hide my feelings so as to not make him feel bad about what he is doing, after all it is from the sunnah to have more than one wife. At times I get to thinking and listeing to the whispers of the shaytaan and i wonder if there is somethng that I am doing wrong or could be doing better? and is this why he wants another wife. He has told me before more that once that his wanting another wife has nothin to do with me except for the fact that I am only one and as most men, he prefers multiple women. And i do understand kinda because most men cheat at one time or another and thats because they were created that way, women are the biggest desire, even before wealth.
Nevertheless I still fall into these momentarily depressions and it causes me to be really moody and attitudy and i hate when I get that way cause then I feel bad afterwards, but I can't seem to help myself. So I told my husband this morning that i don't feel as though I am deserving of him because I make things harder on him by having these sudden attitudes and its only when I think of him beginning a family with someone else. I mean it could be worse, i don't do much but become realy sarcastic (which he hates) and really distant and this upsets him because he knows why i'm actin this way and he hates when I worry about his getting married. And he trys to reassure me that what we have is something that only him and I can acheive together and that no other woman can be me. So you see why I feel bad, right? other times he gets fed up and just becomes extremely irritated with me. He tells me that all he wants to do is enjoy the time we have to spend together and not be caught up worring about his other affairs, which is what I strive to do but as I said before I can't help myself some times. but so yeah I told him that I don't think I deserve to be with him because he does try hard to make this transition easy on me by sharing details and stuff like that and including me in the whole process and I in turn can't seem to shake the feeling of paranoia, intimidation, anxiety, jealousy, etc. He tells me "no, we deserve each other" and i wanted to cry. Why can't i just shake these feelings and keep it movin????? My husband is being super patient with me and all i want to do is return the favor. Ya Allah help, me be a better wife, AAMEEN!
The Prophet Muhammed (sallallahu alayhi wasalaam) said, none of you have truly beleived until you love for your brother/sister what you love for yourself. Sometimes i wonder if I truly believe, I'm sure there are plenty of sisters out there who could use a good husband and i think my husband has found one, so why not get it together so she may experience the joys of a good husband? and so that he may be hassle free. I do know that I have to figure something out quickly, i would hate for Allah to take away one of the best favores of this dunya, a religous, responsible, rightoues, loving, kind, caring, etc.........husband & father & friend.
3 comments:
Assalamu `alaykum sister,
Alhamdulillah, I'm really happy that you're trying to deal with your husband's choices in the best way possible and I'm also happy that it seems your husband is doing things right, and being open and honest about things... that's a must!
I just wanted to point out 3 things you said... just to give you another view:
-> "...and as most men, he prefers multiple women"
I don't know where you got this from sister, but I'm pretty sure it's not true. In fact, all the shuyukh I've studied with fear Allah swt so much that they would never take a second wife because they're really scared of being unjust and they realize that polygyny is a situation where lots of fitnah can happen, esp. if the wife is not 100% OK with it. They also take heed to the prophet's advice of being "the best to their wives" and put their wives happiness and desires over theirs. So if the wife doesn't feel comfortable sharing the husband... they just don't take a second wife.
- "... And i do understand kinda because most men cheat at one time or another and thats because they were created that way, women are the biggest desire, even before wealth "
Sis... where are you getting this from? Any half-righteous man would NEVER EVER EVER even come close to zina!! And... an unrighteous man... is not husband material
- The third thing you mention is that polygyny is part of the sunnah. Yes it is alhamdulillah, but so is monogamy. So BOTH monogamy and polygamy are sunnah. In fact, the prophet saws lived more time in monogamy than in polygamy.
Anyways, I just wanted to mention this. I have nothing against polygamy or monogamy, but I think they're VERY different lifestyles and I think both partners deserve to live in the lifestyle the want.
Salaam Alaikum.
You've written it twice so I just want to point out that it is also from the sunnah to be devoted to one wife. Let's not forget that our dear Prophet (saw) was married to only Khadija (ra) as long as she was alive.
I hope your husband adheres to the sunnah in other ways besides polygyny :-) But if you and your husband are happy with your choice then I wish the best for you.
Regards,
PM
Wa alaykum salaam waRahmatullahi waBarakatuhu. I appreciate your comments. Alhumdullilah with much remembrance of Allah I am becoming more and more comfortable with myself and what Allah has decreed for me. And alhumdullilah, masha'Allah my husband (who does practice ever part of the Quraan & Sunnah)has been continuosly patient :)
"And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan-girls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (the slaves)that your right hands possess. The nearer to prevent you from doing injustice." Surah 4 An-Nisa:3
In this ayat, Allah (subhana wa ta'aila) mentions the plural first, but if a man fears that he will not deal justly between them, then one is best.
Narrated Usama Bin Zaid: The Prophet said, "After me I have not left any affliction more harmful to men than women." Sahih al-Bukhari, Book of Marriage, No.4763
Insha'Allah this daleel clarifies my thoughts regarding men and having plural wives. Also, a lot of my personal feelings come from my own experiences as well as those I am close to. I do realize that when speaking we should be clear and this is why I provided a couple of proofs. I do realize that there are scholars that have only one wife and that there are scholars with plural wives. Either way, the scholars of our time are very few compared to all the men that exist, so this is one reason why I mention "most" and refrain from using "all." I apologize if I was misunderstood any or if my speech was offensive in anyway, these are my own thoughts and feelings :)
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